Lately I've had a lot of issues sleeping. I've struggled with sleep issues on and off for the last couple years, but it's always frustrating. Even when I'm tired from a full, active day, even when I know I've got to be up early the next morning, sometimes I just can't get my brain to fall asleep. Or I get distracted on my phone and next thing I know it's 2AM. Gah.

So this morning after my 4 hours of sleep, I remade and fixed up a new 2018 writing spreadsheet from on the one Deji made me way back when. I have to fix it every year to change the dates and stuff, but I rarely manage to start right on January 1st. Seasonal affective disorder is a thing[1].

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I know my average is 1,400 words a day, but it's more like... In a day, I either write 2,000+ or the bare minimum of 500-700 words necessary for my blog posts. So it all averages out. And my most productive day so far, April 26th, was a Thursday. I think I just happen to be off or open on Wednesdays more often than anything else, so that's why it's more productive of a day overall. I'm going to keep working through this year and fill out the rest of the spreadsheet!

Speaking of filling things out... On Goodreads I signed up for the reading challenge earlier this year. Last year I think my goal was to read 20 books and I barely read 10, so I aimed a bit lower this year with 15 books. I've already read 12 of them and the year's not even halfway through yet! I really need to be more honest with myself about what I want to read and what I want to do with my time. I take home a stack of book sometimes, many of which I only have a passing interest in. And if I don't like something after 30 pages, I'm not going to finish it. It doesn't matter if I put it down and say "Oh, I'll come back to this a little later"—that's a lie.

In fact, if I ever put down a book for any reason but "I have to go to work!!" or "I have to sleep now or I'll die", chances are I'm not picking it up ever again. Now that I think about it, that's me with games, too. I've left so many RPGs unfinished at the final dungeon. I just wander off! There's not really a reason, just... My interest fades away. But I should be more honest to myself in those moments and accept that I've lost interest rather than keep the book/game around thinking I'll get back to it again. That's what made the KonMari method necessary. "I'll get around to it someday." But someday never comes. I think I've been better about this since tidying my room, though. Nowadays if I'm interested in a book but know I won't devour it right away, I generally don't bother with it. If I'm meant to read it, it'll happen someday! No need to force myself to spend money I don't have.

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I want to be like this Gudetama squishable toy that I got. No matter how much you compress and beat it down, it pops back open into its original shape[2]. I want to be able to handle everything without suffering slumps and down times like I did before. I think some amount of down time is inevitable, but I don't want it to drag on into weeks or months anymore. I want to own my pain.

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It's striking me all of a sudden just how much stuff on my desk is red/orange. Especially on the left side. It's not like the right side is ALL cool colors, but, I've got a blue mug on that side, my blue ethernet cable, etc. I wonder if I'm subconsciously following the pastel gradient on my keyboard. It goes from red to blue, left to right...

I hope you've had a good weekend. Let's have a fun, productive week together!


  1. I tend to get really down during the winter months. Some of the worst times of my life have been in January. ↩︎

  2. Down 9 times but i'll get up 10 ↩︎