I'm obsessed with Viscera, this new zine by the stupendous Amrit Brar. I kickstarted her Marigold Tarot project and have been eagerly awaiting it. I think it might be the fresh of breath air to my practice that I need right now. Anyway, I love her writing just as much as her art. There's such a simple truth to it and I'm in need of simple truths right now.

I've been feeling really adrift about religion and spirituality. I have for a long time, but in the last several months it's gotten particularly strong. I think it's because I'm at this crossroads in my life once again. I really want to believe in something, but there’s an ugly side to every spiritual system that I feel reflects the ugly side to humanity itself. I don't want to half-ass a religion, but there is no perfect system and I just can’t commit to anything that wants to deny my very identity and my personal values. I had almost made up my mind to attend a service at the church I've been going to for work days, but then I read their doctrinal statement and it was just too much. I just can’t have full faith in a God that condemns LGBT+ when that same God is the one who supposedly created them. A God who sentences all non-believers to eternal torment in a lake of fire, even if they were good, kind people. Maybe it's an issue of interpretation. Maybe it's an issue of that particular church.

Ultimately, I think my problem is that I have yet to find a religious system that I think is fair. This is not just a problem of Christianity. I don’t like the Buddhist idea of you being punished for things you did in your past life, either. I struggled with witchy culture because there was so much cultural appropriation and blatant racism in some cases. Since none of the systems I've researched[1] are fair, I can’t accept any of them as what I wish to believe. I can't make something crooked the backbone of my spiritual being.

This lack of a faith makes me feel very lost at times. Sometimes I manage to forget my existential dread for a while, but it always comes back to me at some point, especially on late nights when I can't sleep. And maybe I’m just trying to rationalize all this because I’m afraid of the ultimate truth of nihilism[2]. I’m afraid to accept how insignificant I am in the universe, how insignificant my problems and very life will be when I die. This all ties back to me trying to accept the lessons of the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, too. Finding your center in this world with so many messages, so many wrong turns, is difficult.

I was raised to always question, to always be curious. And it's a good thing, I think, but sometimes I worry that I'm gaslighting myself. I don't yet have a solution to my problems in this arena, only more and more questions.

  1. Or tried! I experimented with religions a lot when I was a kid. ↩︎

  2. I think ultimately I am an existential nihilist but it's hard to live with. ↩︎