You guys, I am now halfway through the next book of the Alpha & Omega series that I mentioned previously and I am obsessed. OBSESSED. I've been using it to motivate myself, too, like "You can only read another chapter if you finish coding/writing XYZ." It works! I just want to throw caution to the wind and do nothing but binge-read this entire series! On the other hand, if I read it too fast, I'll be done and left in agony waiting for the next one, so maybe this is for the best. I found out that the sequel to The Cruel Prince by Holly Black doesn't come out until next year and I have been heartbroken ever since[1].

It's made me more mindful of convenient plot devices, though. I don't like stories where a conflict happens because someone conveniently forgets something or because of a failure of communication. It just feels cheap. It doesn't happen often enough in the Alpha & Omega series to really bother me, but I definitely make a note of it.

Next week I've got four days off in a row so I want to really be productive. I'm about 3,000 words ahead of how much I'd written at this time last month, but since my goal for this month is higher, it ends up only being about 2% ahead. Gah! That's the tricky part of having that beautiful wordcount spreadsheet. I get very fixated on numbers. I'm a spreadsheet person, a numbers person.

Sometimes when I'm worried that I'm writing one character route longer than another one, I actually compare line counts... I'd hate for any player to think that I favored one character over another! That always made me mad about Hakuouki[2]. That being said, I understand that sometimes characters just need more character development. It makes sense that a character who has relatively little development to do would have a less detailed route. Meanwhile, a character suffering from PTSD would need more time to reach a happy, balanced ending. I get that. Still, I like so much for things to be as equal as possible. In Spirit Parade, Mikio's route is quite a bit longer than Hayato's. But! I justify it to myself with the fact that Mikio didn't appear in the common route at all, so there was some catch-up to do. ...Why do I care so much about this when it's literally never been a complaint I've gotten about any of my games...

Late last night I was up late having a heart-to-heart chat with my younger brother. We touched on a lot of things, but talked a lot about what happiness really is and what we want to accomplish with our lives. We touched on how I feel like I really need recognition for the things that I do. I try not to let it dictate my entire life, but I also feel like the thought of being forgotten after my death is really...scary. No matter how much I love myself, how confident I am, I think I am a people-pleaser at heart. So if I'm not acknowledged, I feel like nothing I do matters. This is how supervillains are made. It's a sobering thought.

There's still a lot of things I need to come to terms with. Growing up, I thought that people at this age really had their lives together. I've come to realize that even into your late 20's, 30's, and beyond, nobody has anything figured out. We keep running, but the finish line keeps moving and sometimes people suddenly appear in front of you sprinting but there's nothing you can do about it. Maybe it's ok to accept that you're powerless when it comes to certain things. It seems futile to want to control every aspect of your life. Even so, you can't help but want it, huh? Relinquishing control is terrifying.

And I have no idea where I'm going with this, but since all I did today was work and read and sleep, my thoughts fill with this sort of thing instead. Tomorrow is Sunday, which means my weekly newsletter will be going out. It's also Mother's Day. It's also my boyfriend's birthday. There will be a lot to think about then.

  1. This is made worse by the fact that ARCs of the book exist. It's done! Why do we have to wait so long to read it? ↩︎

  2. The amount of content that Sano got compared to Hijikata was just ridiculous. I know there's reasons for it—Hijikata was there until the end. Still, it was grating. ↩︎