I had an odd day today. Content warning for talk of physical/domestic abuse later in this post.
First, something good. I started doing the morning pages that I talked about previously. I dreamt of neon purple and pink spiders that terrified me despite not actually doing anything to harm me. It's a metaphor for my life. I went on for three pages just whining about my lack of self-esteem and how I want so much to better my current living situation. It felt really nice to get it all out, as I had less of it bouncing around in my head throughout the day. I'm going to try my best to make that a daily habit, so I'll have to sleep better in order to wake up and be able to write. It's nice having a space that's just for me, that I don't have to share with anyone, that I don't have to make "beautiful" or anything. My handwriting for those three pages is quite illegible to the average person. It's ugly-beautiful.
There is a mosquito in my room right now. There has been one in my room every night for a while...ever since the weather got warm. They are attracted to me, partially because of my blood type, partially because of my diabetes. A week or two ago, I hid underneath my blanket and I could hear it buzzing around just outside the blanket...waiting. Just now despite the heat, I put on long pajama pants and a long sleeve shirt. It's not super helpful. Mosquitos can bite through cloth. Besides, the thing that bothers me the most is the sound they make, that high humming buzz.
On Wii Fit, there was this concentration game where you had to sit completely still for as long as possible. The game would, however, try to distract and disturb you to get you to move. Unfortunately, one of the ways they did this was by using the sound of a buzzing mosquito. It got me almost every time. I have sensitive hearing. I have a visceral reaction to the sound.
That being said, my skin swelling up to form a ping pong ball-sized lump, itching horribly, and leaving a terrible welt/skin lesion for weeks doesn't exactly add to the pleasure. I'm going to have to buy some repellant spray. The high frequency sound plug-in I have in my room isn't doing its job. This is getting ridiculous.
I digress. I'm just terribly bothered. I am literally typing this post up while I have a blanket draped over my head and torso. It's hot. I'm trying not to exhale too much.
At lunch time today, my boyfriend and I went to this Japanese taco fusion place. It was delicious. Shortly after, I realized that the owner of the restaurant was charged with domestic violence. He'd thrown his girlfriend into a wall right in front of her young son while high on cocaine/intoxicated. There was plenty of evidence and the police charged him with two misdemeanors, but the civil suit was dropped by the girlfriend because she didn't want to suffer through court. He went to rehab for a month after that and a few of his restaurants shut down. The city I live in is not his home base, so less people know about it. I had read the article about his arrest a while back, but failed to connect it to this restaurant. I just thought the name of the place sounded familiar... I wish I could have realized why before we went in and gave that guy our money.
There's been a debate among food journalists about whether it's possible for him to be redeemed. First—whether it matters how good the food is. He's a star chef who's won competitions. The food I had today was delicious. I can't say that it matters to me. Once I realized what he'd done, it all left a bad taste in my mouth. No delicious food is worth that. Yet if he really feels sorry, went to rehab and worked things out with his girlfriend, how long do we—as a society—punish him? He's served his time, paid the fine, gone through the justice system to the extent that they could make him. What next? Can people not learn from their mistakes?
I wish I had an answer for that. It's hard. I don't know that I can ever go back to that restaurant, though I had a good experience. What do you do in a situation like this? I've struggled a lot with forgiveness. I am not someone who typically holds grudges, but the few I do have run deep. When do I let go? When will they deserve my forgiveness? I wish I knew. Instead, I continue to avoid a resolution because that's easier. I can only do my best to do what I feel is right. In this moment, so soon after the case was dismissed by the suffering girlfriend, I can't in good faith eat there. He hasn't had long enough to repent. I don't know what "long enough" is. Maybe I'll feel differently about it someday.
Maybe I'll be a little more forgiving someday. But life is hard. The world I live in right now does not particularly inspire me to forgive those who have treated others so cruelly.