Today I was stuck in some of the worst traffic of my life. A 20-minute trip turned into an hour and I couldn't even reach my destination, so I ended up turning back and meeting up somewhere else further away. A 16-wheeler carrying resin tipped over on the major highway in my city, so everything just...shut down. I managed to listen to the OST for The Greatest Showman about 5 times while stuck.

I napped some more in the afternoon and for dinner my family went out to celebrate my dad's birthday. He's 63 this year. It's a strange thought. I see my parents every day now so it's strange to think of them as aging. But they are both more frail than they once were. It struck me when I first moved back home. But we all ate hot pot and swapped funny stories and it was a great time.

In my morning pages for today, a lot of my sentences started with "I've got to". Lately I've just felt so desperate. Desperate to catch up, desperate to better my situation, desperate to improve and grow. It's my mid-mid-life crisis. I'd feel more secure if I had a better idea of what the heck I'm doing.

Some posts that have helped push me through today.

Tomorrow I'm having dinner with my good friend after work and so I think I can push myself to dig a little deeper. I spent a bit of money on the Steam summer sale, so I'm excited to try some new games. I'm going to re-watch the Twelve Kingdoms anime as I continue reading the novels. A friend and I are hate-reading Throne of Glass together and it's hilarious.

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I'd been feeling so useless lately, so upset at myself as I plugged in my meager daily word count and watched my daily average drop. Who am I if I don't have my writing? If I don't continue to create?

But you know what? I am not my word count.

I have so much to be grateful for. I am surrounded by light and love. Sometimes it blinds me and I take it all for granted. Lack of sleep and my monthly cycle pushed me into feeling depressed and burnt out and anxious, but I will rise again. Progress is a process.