This entry is much later than usual due to me working on an impromptu job application. A friend tipped me off to a position at a local game company and I had to work on putting together a resume. This is my first time drafting a resume based purely on my work in games. No mentions of my retail job, no digging up references from college, just me and the work I've produced.

It was terrifying. But I did it.

I've long grown used to thinking of myself as mediocre. I have trouble accepting my accomplishments because I'm not able to be independent just based on what I've written. I live at home. I work a day job in retail. I have always loved writing[1], but even though I have done so much of it and gotten a fair amount of praise for it—have even gotten paid for it!—I can't accept it. My parents have told me over and over that I'll never make it as a writer. My dad has told me that the games I've shipped don't count as accomplishments. So I don't feel very accomplished. I've tried to make up mantras for myself and feel more worthy of opportunities and successes, but I'm not quite there yet.

I'm getting better. I was able to write about my skills confidently. When I lay them all out, I have to admit that I'm capable. I have a wide and varied skill set. I work hard and get along well with others and love being organized. I'm...

I'm a good writer. I am.

Tonight I put in some overtime at my day job and afterwards, a group of us went next door to have some late night vegan Indian food. There was a warm, cozy atmosphere and I felt the stresses of the day melt away. There had been people rooting around in our recycle bin, trying to steal books that we'd put out there. When they were told off, they claimed that we were lying about the books being sent to recycling[2], threw a book at one of my coworkers and cussed her out, calling her all sorts of awful names. Add to that the fact that Sunday is one of our busiest nights and...well, it was a lot.

I've been trying to visualize my ideal life. What kind of life do I want to lead? Certainly not the one I've got now. How much money do I have to make to live that way? Not a lot, but...not a little, either. The best I can do is work, bit by bit, to approach that vision. I work so hard every day to hone my craft and continue to ship out great games. To write and write and write some more.

It's a brutal world out there, but I've got to do my best to live in it—to thrive in it, same as anyone else. I can only hope that I don't have to trade off bits of my soul to do it.

  1. I've written fiction since the first grade! ↩︎

  2. "These are going straight to a landfill!" No, recycling is a core tenet of our company. People do this often and my boyfriend hilariously had "Knowledge is free!" yelled at him, too, by recycle bin looters. ↩︎